Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
