at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
