Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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