I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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