Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
