i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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