Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
