Welp...herpes.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
