Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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