you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have post one night stand depression
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