Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Enjoy the penises
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
