when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
