You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
