my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
