I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
