my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
