so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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