Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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