"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
