Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
