everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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