dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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