hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
