im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
