fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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