Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
