I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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