I am puke
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
