cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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