Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
