So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
