Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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