Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
