Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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