Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
