We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Life is so much better after having sex.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
