If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We're too hungover to prance.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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