Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
