Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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