he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
