The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
