my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
