My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
