don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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