Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
