tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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