A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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