If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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