if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
