just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
