I just saw a hot homeless man
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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