Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
