Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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